Friday, April 01, 2005

Human-Embedded Web Server Announced

Originally Published April Fool's Day 2006

Boston - April 1, 2006 - The scientists and engineers at stealth bio-ubicomp startup Network Improv today announced the imminent debut of the Human-Embedded Web Server, along with the Human-Embedded Wi-Fi Antenna. These products are the first in a new class of Human-Embedded Web Computing, a market projected to be worth $347.71 billion by later this century.

This breakthrough web software is uploaded into a nerve cluster at the top of the spinal cord, a cluster that emerged in vertebrates tens of millions of years ago, and had long since fallen into disuse. Known as the Antediluvian Sauroskein, scientists have wondered for years how to repurpose the cluster for health or augmentation applications. The Human-Embedded Web Server (HEWS) is the first successful application of the cluster in at least ten million years, and the first ever application for digital computing.

The HEWS allows its bearer to run both sophisticated web-based apps, including the new Writely Brain Suite, developed in tandem with Network Improv by Upstartle (a startup acquired by Google last month for far more than was rumored). These apps are truly always-on. The HEWS also allows the user to interact in fundamentally new ways with their own mind, accessing details of long-forgotten life stories, and latent knowledge. All presentation of HEWS-generated content is by SVG, a next-generation web language that allows complex visualizations of subtle processes.

Network access to the HEWS is facilitated by the Human-Embedded Wi-Fi Antenna (HEWFA), a microscopically thin titanium pathway in the shape of a cursive 'f'. The HEWFA is implanted by a tattoo technique, which can be performed by any licensed tattoo technician. The HEWFA interface lets any personal computer with a browser and Wi-Fi card access the HEWS over a Wi-Fi network.

The HEWS and HEWFA draw power from the natural electrical field of the human body, and never need to be charged, provided the user is eating a balanced diet. The HEWS will automatically detect a low-electric-field condition in the user's body, and induce a mild coma if necessary to avoid loss of power to the HEWS, which could erase the HEWS code and data from the nerve cluster.

National auditions for the beta test team that will prove the HEWS and HEWFA in real-world scenarios will open at the end of this month. Please check the Always-On-You Web blog in the coming days for audition information and locations.

A few skeptics have questioned the wisdom of providing direct access to the human nervous system via a web browser. Network Improv has addressed this problem with a unique security solution that precludes unauthorized access to the HEWS through the HEWFA by interlopers on the wireless network. In keeping with common practice, the company has declined to provide any details on the functioning of the security mechanism, but strongly assures the public that it is fully foolproof.

6 Comments:

At Saturday, April 01, 2006 1:30:00 PM, Anonymous Martin Wells said...

Man, that would hurt to upgrade.

I wonder if they'll only release new versions on April 1 each year.

 
At Saturday, April 01, 2006 1:30:00 PM, Anonymous Martin Wells said...

And, great post btw. :)

 
At Thursday, April 13, 2006 8:15:00 AM, Anonymous Jason said...

Is this for real? I can't believe a company would ever even think of creating a product that would induce a mild coma. Who in their right mind would give software access to their nervous system?

Although, I can imagine some really funny hacks that people could come up with. I would consider making somebody start dancing Mr. Roboto in a meeting.

 
At Thursday, April 13, 2006 8:17:00 AM, Anonymous Jason said...

Ugh, I forgot to check the date on the post. Good one :)

 
At Monday, May 15, 2006 2:16:00 PM, Blogger The Fish said...

[sarcasmatron] So I can reformat my CNS to carry apps! Woo! [/sarcasmatron]

 
At Friday, November 07, 2008 3:13:00 AM, Blogger Anesha said...

Hi Nice Blog . In this, the body is studied by regions rather than by organs. This is of importance to the surgeon who exposes different planes after the skin incision and who, of course, must be perfectly familiar with structures as he explores the limbs and spine anatomycavities.

 

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